Things that are gross, for 500.

This should be easy.

1. I have allergies. Sometimes really bad ones and I'm full of snot and miserable and always have a stuffed up nose and I'm pretty sure I've snored my whole life, and when I'm not snoring, I'm the person who sleeps with my mouth wide open. Sexy, isn't it? I look like a monster when I wake up and as I have previously mentioned I am a terror when I wake up.. SO.. WHO IS READY FOR A SLEEP OVER?

No?


No one?


Did I go deaf?

Fine.

Back to gross things, one time in high school, I was a little snotty due to the weather or whatever but bet your ass I was at school, Mama wasn't falling for it this time. So, I was sitting in Speech and my long time crush was sitting right in front of me. Things were going just fine until you know, I had to breathe which turned into a cough, which turned into more of a choking OMG I MIGHT BE DYING scene.
In the midst of all of this oxygen deprivation my crush turns around like the knight in shining armor he was to make sure I was okay and right when our eyes meet, a unknown, slimy, foreign object breaks loose from the comfort and secrecy of my own throat and SLINGSHOTS ONTO MY DESK ABOUT 2 MILLIMETERS FROM MY BOY.

I will never, ever forget the look on his face.

I casually wiped it off with my sleeve and immediately wanted to just go ahead and die.

Suffocating would have been more appropriate then ever having to show my phlegm to the boy whom I drew hearts around in my head.

WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME.
WHY.

2. Another thing pertaining to allergies, this week I have found myself with another issue. I have geared myself up with Mucinex, Kleenex, Windex, all of the above and nothing was really helping.

So, my manager de la polo told me to try something called a Netti-pot. I'm sure thats not how you spell it, but that looks okay to me. It's irrelavant really. It's a snot-pot.

The way this genie pot is supposed to work is -
1.You fill it up with warm water, mix in some saline mixture that it comes with
2. Shake it up, make sure it's all ready to rock your snot
3. Lean over a sink and put the spout part on one of your nostrils
4. While still leaning over, tilt head and open mouth and wait for magic to happen.

5. Pray you don't drown standing up.


I don't know if anyone else has used this Voo-doo magic before but it is a sight to be seen. I'm standing there bent at waist, head cocked, mouth open and NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

Then, it starts to trickle around in my nasal cavity which then makes my eyes water because it feels like there are bugs in my nose, gross.. And finally, the salt water mixture starts to drip out of the other side of my nose.

Nice.

Except now it's kinda going down my throat too.

So, I'm spitting it out, and watching it pour out of my face. Things are getting serious.

It wasn't as magical as I was hoping so I tried the other side.
More success, water is now in a sweet snotty stream coming from my nostril.

Feeling proud of myself I repeated the steps on both sides until the snot-pot was empty then checked the manual for the next step of recovery.


6. BLOW.

DO NOT COMPLETE STEP 6 IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH OR DON'T THINK GROSS THINGS ARE INTEREESTING!!


I was pretty sure that I would never have to blow my nose or sneeze, or think about things snot related ever again.

It was like a fountain of all things mucus-y. (This is a really sexy post. I don't know why I'm single. Beats me.)


Moral of the story, if youz gahtz ta snaht... youz gahtzta pot!


And finally, for all 500 points on the gross things scale....

3. My dad is a Bingo King. Part time Mouch (3/4ths couch 1/4th man), part time golf fan, FULL TIME BINGO MAN. And I'm pretty sure these genes are partially genetic because I too, enjoy to Bingo it up with the father figure. So almost every time I am in town we go play. It's a bonding experience and I have a trusty rabbits foot on my necklace errrr something so the two of us make a good winning duo.

One night a few nights after Christmas, we set our sights on the smoke-filled bingo hall. We find a seat and wait for the game to start.

A nice lady sits down across from us and begins to tell me what she got from her boyfriend for Christmas. (I didn't ask, or initiate conversation)

My boyfriend got me this ring for Christmas. But it don't fit so I just wear it on my thumb.


Oh.. It doesn't fit? That's a shame. Silly men, he should have known your size!

Hua hua hua, yeaaah, I know but he got it fer a good deal at the pawn shop and he said this ring reminded him of me and he knew it was perfect fer me.


Oh. Pawn shop. Right.

Well, glad he got a good deal on it then..

My dad is currently pretending not to hear this whole conversation so I am stuck in this lovely crime scene alone.

Man and do you know what this bag is for? *As she hoists the bag on the table. It looks similar to a personal lunch cooler thing with the long straps*

Um, no ma'am, I don't. Do tell, what is that bag for?

Well, I had got a real bad staph infection about six er seven months ago and I never went to the doctor cuz I thought it would go away but it didn't so finally I went and got it checked out and that little bitty staph infection had caused a real big whole in my stomach about the size of your fist.


*About to hurl already* Ouch. Yikes, sorry to hear that. Hope you get better.. *Turn to face my dad, WHO IS NOW GONE. HE MYSTERIOUSLY VANISHED LEAVING ME WITH STAPH PAWN SHOP LADY.*

Yeah so now I have this bag that I have to carry with me cuz it's hooked up to that staph hole and it drains the pus from the infection right into this little bag so I don't get sick no more.


OH. MY. GOD.


So, this lady, who had previously just SLAMMED this bag down on this table revealed to me that she not only is a walking pus-ball, but that the grossness IS IN THE BAG THAT SHE CARRIES AROUND.


Vomit Comet, and KDR is no where to be found.


I will NEVER forget you, staph infection lady. You are just one of many shining stars that hang out in the fine bingo establishment.




Bbbbbuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhllllllllllll!