Wieners.

One day, after I had mindlessly creeped on everyone I could have via Facebook, and checked out all the blogs I find entertaining, I decided to check out a website called Chatroulette.com.


Have you ever?


Are you curious?


You should be.


I sign on, wipe the mascara from underneath my eyes and off my forehead, try to put my hair in a ponytail and look a little less frightening... which might sound a little silly, but rumor has it that some of my friends have stumbled upon Justin Bieber and Snoop Dog and IM NOT GOING TO TAKE THAT CHANCE OF LOOKING LIKE A DIRTY TRANSVESTITE GIRL SCOUT WITH NO EYEBROWS..

Snoop dog would be cool, but I have Bieber Fever. ps, Happy 17th Birthday, Baby Biebs, I know you read my blog. 




So I sign on and the first few people are just creepy old men, some blow kisses, some tell me Im fabulous, yadda yadda...

And the way this chatroulette thing works is when you dont like who you are matched up with you can click a button that will send you through outer space and put you with someone else.


I felt like a Goddess.. If someone winked at me weird, or were too slow to tell me how great I looked, I swapped their ass.


Until....


I had just bounced back from the moon and was waiting to be paired with my next child molester, secretly crossing my fingers for the slightest sign of Biebers epic side bang 'do, when I was faced with a black screen.


I thought, Oh, must still be waiting to find someone to pair me up with, so I wiped my nose from my elbow to finger tip and I guess looked a little sad...

When the black screen typed to me: "Don't cry."

Creepy, right? So I said "I'm not crying, dark black screen, I'm fine."

And he said, "Oh, you can't see me? Hold on. Don't leave yet."

I got really nervous, WHAT IF THIS WAS BEIBER AND HE WAS ABOUT TO MAKE MY DREAMS COME TRUE? WHAT IF THIS WAS JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, OR OPRAH?


And then, the camera flicks on and I see:::

A FULL, GROWN ASS MAN, DRESSED IN A HOT DOG SUIT.


If you're curious as to what this might look like, just type "Man in hot dog suit" in Google.

As my eyes tried to focus and my brain tried to focus on what the heck was going on, he got up and began to shimmy across my screen.

I laughed so hard I kinda peed in my pants. And he stopped, saluted me, and then parted ways.


So Im back on my scan in outer space and every... 14 or so people I am paired with are not faces, not creepy men, not girls, not hot dogs... but WIENERS.


Just some nasty ol' lonely douches doing the knuckle shuffle on a webcam.

HOW GROSS ARE YOU?

So when I was so fortunate to land on someone who looked semi normal I stopped and thanked them for not showing me their wiener and we chatted a bit until they were boring or started to make me think they drove a van with no windows with the Easter bunny and Willy Wonka stuck in the back. So I would swap to someone else.


AND EVERY NOW AND THEN, I HAD THAT HAPPEN TO ME.


WHICH MADE ME FURIOUS. These guys, would appear to be just lonely retards like I was, and I would take my sausage fingers and type "Hi, how are you" and they would look up, and CLICK SWAP!


You jerk.

This made me insane. HOW DARE YOU, weird internet guy, CHOOSE SOMEONE ELSE?!




I guess they were looking for weiners.


Either the costume kind, or fa'real kind.


No more Chatroulette for this blondebombshell. Not only is it a wiener overload, but it can make you feel bad about yourself for not having one.


Jerks.