If you didn't look just like me, sometimes I think I would disown you.

I love my family.

All members of the Jerry Springer clan, really.
Mom, Dad, Stepdad, Stepmom, 3 Sisters, 1 Stepsister, 1 Brother in law, 1 (Soon To Be) Brother in law, a nephew and lots of puppies.

However, one of you on this list is not on my most favored list right this second. Like, I love you mothership, because you're my mom and "YOU GAVE ME LIFE SO YOU CAN TAKE IT AWAY", but you know... the last 20 minutes with you have made me question your love for me.


Mom, darling. You're full of trickery.

My mom has always been known to set people up. She's an entrepreneur of sorts. Sometimes it works, sometimes its just funny to laugh about. But she is always on the prowl to find love for people.

Not such a bad thing, right? So why complain?

A few weeks ago, I went to Chicfila and got me a sammich, and as I handed the 15 year old puberty stricken,   pimple face boy my debit card, he handed me a gift bag, and said "Compliments of Chicfila" Then gave me my food and I left.

I thought maybe they were doing this for everyone? Or maybe I was the 100th guest in line, but I patiently waited and watched the next 2 cars go through and theyyyy didnt get a bag, so I was confused. I went home and opened up my chicken bonus and got:

2 Books (chicken related, obvi.)
A notepad
A cow Pez dispenser
5 mints
and 13 coupons for free chicken sandwiches.

Not kidding. 13.

So I called Mother Hen, as I always do, repeatedly throughout the day because I know she works for herself so she is always available to listen to me or make me look important/busy on the phone. But anyway, I called to tell her about being the luckiest person in the world and to which she replied...

"Go back and give him your number."


What? No mom, that's weird.

Just do it! He obviously thought you were cute! Just go do it!!


No. I know you think that I am going to die alone because I would rather nap than be social most of the time, but not all chicken distributors are meant to be together.

Well, was he cute? Just go back in and say hi.


Do you see where I am going with this? Call her Dr. Love. She is pretty sure that I am just brushing off all of these wonderful, single men because I am opting to live with my current circus clowns for life.

God bless you, Ma.

Which brings me to today... I have already talked to her several times about stupid things like that since I've started trying to eat healthier, I think it sucks a lot, and that my apartment smells like garbage, and that my period has lasted the entire month of March and I am pretty sure I am dying.

To which she all takes in stride and has many solutions for.

"Keep eating healthy, it's good for you." "Take out the trash."

And my personal favorite of the day "Oh, baby, I'm sorry. Just go ahead and pop out a few kids and then get all of that ripped out." Sounds like a logical solution to me.

But I am single.

And babykids don't nap like I need them to.

So we hang up from that world saving conversation and she texts me later with...

"Send me that picture of you and Kate again"

The one I sent her last week of my cousin and I on the beach, just to prove that I finally found her...

Were both in bathing suits, she's adorable and tiny and tanner than me..(even though shes from IceAgeIllinois)
And were both kinda slumped over, I have no make up on..(No make up, no eyebrows, blonde eyelashes...sexy)

But I didn't think twice, thinking that she was just going to send it to my Grandpa or someone who we both know mutually..

UNTIL


She sent back

"Im setting you up with someone"

osfihjsd;ofiah e'pfid'hipgdn;bhoppohhipyu0QE0[yDsf[T0KB IOQE Y ----Headslam.

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? MOM! NO. You can't set me up with someone after showing them a picture that I resemble a 12 year old boy!

And she replied with a picture of said future son in law of hers

He's cheers'ing me with a glass of redwine.







You're embarrassing, Mom.