Oh, Emily.

It is now 2:28 in the morning and I am just now getting in bed from my fabulous shift at the chicken diner.

Let me try to break this night down for you.


1. I walk in 10 minutes early because I wanted to make sure I had time to shot-gun a Redbull and get started. Oh how wrong I was. I was immediately yelled at to start seating people and taking tables. (I am not a hostess. I am not a menu walker. and I hadn't even clocked in yet.) But fine, I took and my first table and the night began.

2. We were on a wait from 4:50- 11:45pm. That is absurd. People, if the dumbass hostess is telling you it will take at least an HOUR for you to get sat, what don't you go somewhere else? Why not go BACK under 35 and go to Chilis? Why must you put your name on the list anyway and get into a ridiculously bad mood while waiting then take it out on the people who make $2.13 an hour?

Oh, because you're addicted to sweet tea and chicken. Roger that.

3. A girl comes up to one of the hostesses while I'm trying to help out and says "My brother is pitching for Tech right now on ESPNU and I really want to watch the game, can you change one of your 50 to that game so I can watch it? (Yes, we have that many TVs.) And my GM just so happens to be standing  behind the counter during this conversation and replies...

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THIS IS THE FINAL FOUR. NO WAY. NO HOW."

And shes standing there, all deer in the headlights like and says, "but, I want to watch my brother play... please?"

"Well, you can either go watch it at YOUR OWN HOUSE or maybe I can turn one on outside for you. But I'm not playing that crap in my bar!"

Sigh. Such a fine place to be.

4. I think I was having a stroke all night. While trying to stay on top of my stuff, I was rushing around cleaning up dishes and running food. I was walking some glass pints back to the bar when my co-worker shoulder checked me and the glass went flying... and broke everywhere.

THEN- I went to the bar with 2 glasses of water on a tray and was picking up a margarita, which I successfully managed to put on the tray, turned around and BOTH waters fell off. Water and ice everywhere.

THEN- These 3 fat girls sat down and ordered three Sprites, and I got double sat so I was hurrying back to give them their drinks and take their orders... got ALL the way back to their booth and some how dropped ALL 3 drinks on the ground. In the middle of a major walk way.

ALSO- I was standing in the dish pit, where we go back and dump off our dirty dishes to be washed, and my hands were super full. Made it all the way to the dishpit, tripped, dropped and broke all the dishes.

I was losing my mind.

5.  I had 7 abnormally large people squeeze into one booth and order 5 appetizers to start with. Which was fine because any party over 5 we can at gratuity to, so they were only making my tip bigger. One of their appetizers was chips and queso. Easy enough, plenty to share. Well, after about 9 minutes I went back out to fill their drinks or something and I saw Mama Large STICKING HER FINGER INTO THE QUESO then STICKING HER FINGER INTO THE BOWL OF CHIP CRUMBS and then LICKING IT OFF.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! YOU COULD HAVE ASKED FOR MORE CHIPS, YOU BIG HOG!

Omg. Gross.

6. There is a girl named Emily that I work with and for some reason we have made it a game between eachother to come up randomly throughout the shift and whisper in eachothers ear how much we hate eachother or how much the others mom wishes she didn't exsist and so on..

We actually aren't fighting about anything but it's rather amusing.

Tonight got out of hand.

It all started after she tried to trip me mere seconds before I dropped all three sodas for those girls. The race was on. THEN she was standing in the dishpit with me and told me I was gay and she hated me.

Soooo I was holding a rolled up thing of silverware in my hand (Knife and fork rolled in a napkin held together by a sticky tab) and as she was walking away I threw it at her...

Well, in some sort of Matrix fashion this little shit turns around to say something to me as it was flying through the air and at the SAME time the sticky tab malfuntioned and the knife and fork flew out.

The fork...kinda...sorta.. stabbed her in the eye.

Not like super bad, or bloody, but enough to make her eyes water and for her to punch me in the stomach. Hard.

Which I felt like I totally deserved as I could have taken her eyeball out like a meatball on a fork. Whoops.

Well, it didn't stop there. She sprayed me down with sanitizer, so I poured powdered sugar in her hair. Which we both laughed about and began to talk more crap to eachother.. and she said in the most hateful 5th grade mean girl voice "I bet you were picked last for gym class weren't you."

Nah beesh, I was a cheerleader, SO I WASN'T IN P.E with you FREAKS. I didn't have to worry about getting picked for dodgeball.

Well, I BET you were a total skank and slept with the WHOLE football team and everyone hated you.

To which I replied:

IT WAS THE SOCCER TEAM! YOU LOW LIFE, GET IT RIGHT.*

(*Disclaimer, that's totally just a joke, calm down family members!)

And right as I was leaving the kitchen to go back and talk to one of my tables she SCREAMS:

"WELL THATS FUTBALL IN ENGLAND YOU BITCH!" At the top of her lungs.

Which made me laugh so hard I had tears running down my face and kept laughing while talking to my table.


She got me there. Point for you, captain hook.