Whiney little white girl.

Look, I'm sorry. Ive been meaning to catch you up on this, and I wish I could say that i've been super busy doing really cool things, but actually, I've just been working a lot and taking some super excellent naps.

Basically, I feel like this:





I work too hard-uh.


But I feel like Pearl. I neeeed my moneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey. And I'm just as cute, and I swear we wear the same size dress.
Not really, I mean, I know people work totes harder than me all the time, but holy crap.
With that being said, I must say that I hate the Spurs. And Spurs fans.

I know that you shouldnt use the word hate, but this time it necessary.

1. I dont have Bud Lite on tap.
2. I have never had Bud Lite on tap.
3. When I tell you we only have bottles of Bud products, I'm not lying.
4. I am going to add a gratuity to you, even if its only you and your little ninos.
5. Screaming and clapping and yelling "LOS SPURS" makes me hate you even more.
6. They cannot hear you when you cheer like that. Only the people sadly trapped in this building with you can.
7. Leaving me a STD tip (Standard Two Dollar) is not going to cut it, buster.
8. MAVS>SPURS. I'll be happy to see you lose the series tonight. Suckers.


Also, I think the aliens are here. This is what was in the sky over central Texas yesterday:

Aliens are smart enough to disguise their spacecraft as clouds, I'm sure. Either that or there was an atomic bomb that went off and were all actually dead but don't know it.

Zombieland2011.

I really don't have time to write as much as I'd like, because the chicken factory needs me. IT NEEDS ME.

But, rest assured I will be updating in the next 24 hours.



That is, unless I get scooped up by ET. Or Zeus.

Go Rangers, BTW.

Okay, one more story:

Over the weekend I went to meet up with one of my dear friends that I havent seen in probably close to two years, and once I got there and got the Lonestar ordered he informed me that two Canadian girls that were staying with his parents would be joining us.

I accepted the information, but was slightly confused.


For those of you who have never worked in the service industry, when someone says "I have a table full of Canadians" we're not actually talking about people from Canada. It means there are black people at the table.

I did not make up this phrase, nor do I know who is responsible for this terminology, but it's just fact.

So you can imagine my surprise when two beautiful white girls showed up and sat down. I could barely contain myself long enough for them to get situated before I leaned over and said, "I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT BLACK GIRLS! THESE ARE ACTUAL CANADIANS!"

Which sparked his need to tell these girls about our use of "Canadian" and they were not only super confused, but mildly offended.

We spent the next hour trying to A. Make things not so awkward. B. Explain that it wasn't meant to be degrading to either party, it's just the server lingo.


I'm pretty sure they're never coming back to Texas. Or America.


I need to get my drink on.

Living as a fungus.

I am pleased to share with all of you why I have been deathly ill more than I have been healthy this semester.

The answer came to me one day as I was raking crumbs together in the kitchen for a snack before I starved to death.

ARE. YOU. EFFING. KIDDING. ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!


I am sorry if any of you threw up just now, trust me, I thought about it many times.

My sweet, loving, normal, hibernating roommate made dinner one night and forgot it was on the stove...


for about a week, apparently.

If you're sick to your stomach, you are normal. If not, you're probably my roommate.



In other news, I have an amazing ability to misjudge people being asleep, or being gone because I have exposed my naked self to too many people in the recent months. It's getting out of hand.

At 4:30 in the morning I woke up with a stomach ache so I bolted out of my room to get something to drink only wearing my under-roos and I didn't see anyone and the living room was dark but 5 steps into my living room I heard a mans voice.

My eyes hadn't even focused on the world.

Was this Jesus talking?


Was there a TV on that I wasn't aware of?



And then by God's great glory it dawned on me that one of the apartment dwellers had drug home some lovely bar man and they could see me from the balcony.


Why they were sitting in the dark, I don't know.

I dont want to know.


But I ran back into my room like I stole something and just decided to tell my stomach ache to "suck it" and tried to go back to bed.


Sure, I should probably wear clothes upon exiting my room, but you would think people would be sleeping and not creeping on the balcony like a bunch of bats in the dark.

Weirdos.

Oh, Emily.

It is now 2:28 in the morning and I am just now getting in bed from my fabulous shift at the chicken diner.

Let me try to break this night down for you.


1. I walk in 10 minutes early because I wanted to make sure I had time to shot-gun a Redbull and get started. Oh how wrong I was. I was immediately yelled at to start seating people and taking tables. (I am not a hostess. I am not a menu walker. and I hadn't even clocked in yet.) But fine, I took and my first table and the night began.

2. We were on a wait from 4:50- 11:45pm. That is absurd. People, if the dumbass hostess is telling you it will take at least an HOUR for you to get sat, what don't you go somewhere else? Why not go BACK under 35 and go to Chilis? Why must you put your name on the list anyway and get into a ridiculously bad mood while waiting then take it out on the people who make $2.13 an hour?

Oh, because you're addicted to sweet tea and chicken. Roger that.

3. A girl comes up to one of the hostesses while I'm trying to help out and says "My brother is pitching for Tech right now on ESPNU and I really want to watch the game, can you change one of your 50 to that game so I can watch it? (Yes, we have that many TVs.) And my GM just so happens to be standing  behind the counter during this conversation and replies...

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THIS IS THE FINAL FOUR. NO WAY. NO HOW."

And shes standing there, all deer in the headlights like and says, "but, I want to watch my brother play... please?"

"Well, you can either go watch it at YOUR OWN HOUSE or maybe I can turn one on outside for you. But I'm not playing that crap in my bar!"

Sigh. Such a fine place to be.

4. I think I was having a stroke all night. While trying to stay on top of my stuff, I was rushing around cleaning up dishes and running food. I was walking some glass pints back to the bar when my co-worker shoulder checked me and the glass went flying... and broke everywhere.

THEN- I went to the bar with 2 glasses of water on a tray and was picking up a margarita, which I successfully managed to put on the tray, turned around and BOTH waters fell off. Water and ice everywhere.

THEN- These 3 fat girls sat down and ordered three Sprites, and I got double sat so I was hurrying back to give them their drinks and take their orders... got ALL the way back to their booth and some how dropped ALL 3 drinks on the ground. In the middle of a major walk way.

ALSO- I was standing in the dish pit, where we go back and dump off our dirty dishes to be washed, and my hands were super full. Made it all the way to the dishpit, tripped, dropped and broke all the dishes.

I was losing my mind.

5.  I had 7 abnormally large people squeeze into one booth and order 5 appetizers to start with. Which was fine because any party over 5 we can at gratuity to, so they were only making my tip bigger. One of their appetizers was chips and queso. Easy enough, plenty to share. Well, after about 9 minutes I went back out to fill their drinks or something and I saw Mama Large STICKING HER FINGER INTO THE QUESO then STICKING HER FINGER INTO THE BOWL OF CHIP CRUMBS and then LICKING IT OFF.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! YOU COULD HAVE ASKED FOR MORE CHIPS, YOU BIG HOG!

Omg. Gross.

6. There is a girl named Emily that I work with and for some reason we have made it a game between eachother to come up randomly throughout the shift and whisper in eachothers ear how much we hate eachother or how much the others mom wishes she didn't exsist and so on..

We actually aren't fighting about anything but it's rather amusing.

Tonight got out of hand.

It all started after she tried to trip me mere seconds before I dropped all three sodas for those girls. The race was on. THEN she was standing in the dishpit with me and told me I was gay and she hated me.

Soooo I was holding a rolled up thing of silverware in my hand (Knife and fork rolled in a napkin held together by a sticky tab) and as she was walking away I threw it at her...

Well, in some sort of Matrix fashion this little shit turns around to say something to me as it was flying through the air and at the SAME time the sticky tab malfuntioned and the knife and fork flew out.

The fork...kinda...sorta.. stabbed her in the eye.

Not like super bad, or bloody, but enough to make her eyes water and for her to punch me in the stomach. Hard.

Which I felt like I totally deserved as I could have taken her eyeball out like a meatball on a fork. Whoops.

Well, it didn't stop there. She sprayed me down with sanitizer, so I poured powdered sugar in her hair. Which we both laughed about and began to talk more crap to eachother.. and she said in the most hateful 5th grade mean girl voice "I bet you were picked last for gym class weren't you."

Nah beesh, I was a cheerleader, SO I WASN'T IN P.E with you FREAKS. I didn't have to worry about getting picked for dodgeball.

Well, I BET you were a total skank and slept with the WHOLE football team and everyone hated you.

To which I replied:

IT WAS THE SOCCER TEAM! YOU LOW LIFE, GET IT RIGHT.*

(*Disclaimer, that's totally just a joke, calm down family members!)

And right as I was leaving the kitchen to go back and talk to one of my tables she SCREAMS:

"WELL THATS FUTBALL IN ENGLAND YOU BITCH!" At the top of her lungs.

Which made me laugh so hard I had tears running down my face and kept laughing while talking to my table.


She got me there. Point for you, captain hook.

Not just a purdy face.

1. I own more t-shirts than any little league team in the country. Which doesn't sound like such a bad thing considering I only wear t-shirts and shorts/yoga pants to school every single day. But when the clock strikes 11:00 and I am scrambling to head to my favorite bar for a frosty adult beverage... and I walk into my beautifully organized, neat, tidy full closet and one side is COMPLETELY lined with t-shirts its a little discouraging.

Nothing says class like a t-shirt that says "Classy by day" on the front and "Nasty by night" on the back with a big Natural Light logo on it.

And thats just one shining example. I have a zillion cheerleading shirts, a wrestling shirt, too many A&M shirts and basically anything else your little 14 year old boy could ever want.

Fine for simplicity. Fine for school. Not fine when I'm trying to get all my drinks paid for.

2. Sometimes I have a uncanny ability to look like a lesbian. Let me stop here. I love gay people. Love 'em. I have about 10 gay friends, some gay family members, maybe a gay dog. guys and girls alike.

You can truly never have enough gay friends in your life. My gay boyfriends are fabulously talented people. One whom I am sure will be the most famous person on Broadway or anywhere else he takes his talent in the future. I love him. He completely gets me. We fight like sisters and even our moms are good friends. He is truly a part of my family.

Another has been a dear friend of mine for many years, and to this day has been the only person to cut these golden locks. He is the one that took me under his shining golden glittery wing and told me my sophomore year that having hair all one length, poorly groomed brows, and yellow teeth wasn't going to get me anywhere in my life. So just like Brittany Murphy on Clueless, he stripped me of my ugly qualities and turned me into a swan. Probably one of the rudest, most insulting people I have ever met, but he does it all out of love and his laugh will knock you on your butt.

-Side story, one time when we were younger I got dropped off over at his house really early in the morning for some reason, and my mom gave me a box of donuts to share. So I went in, tripped over stolen clothes, hair products, magazines, and crap and finally got to my sleeping beauty. He woke up for like 3 seconds, long enough to notice I had donuts, and proceeded to sit up in bed, EYES STILL CLOSED, and eat THE ENTIRE BOX OF DONUTS. And laid back down like nothing had ever happened. Jerk.

One more person to tell you about to prove I have my PHD in homosexuality, then I'll move on.. My best friend since middle school is a very low key girl. She was the one who would start getting ready with the rest of us girls, take a shower, get dressed then play Tony Hawk with a towel on her head until the rest of us were ready. We truly have nothing in common. She's a soccer player, I'm a cheerleader. She keeps me grounded and has a heart of gold though. We've been friends forever. BUT-she is also the one who called me late one night when I was in high school to tell me, "Hey Kell, I have been cheating on Justin." Which didn't seem like such a TERRIBLE thing because like.. whatever. But then she proceeded to tell me "But, you don't understand, I'm cheating on him with a girl."

So, me being the quick witted person I am, realized that it was April Fools day so I laughed at her, called her an idiot and that I KNEWWWW it was April 1st and hung up on her.

My phone rang a few seconds later and it was her.. "Okay... ughm.... look... this is just all poor timing... I didn't realize what today was.... but for real.... for real."

And then we both laughed together and I told her I wasn't really that surprised but that I loved her just the same, and we went on with our lives and haven't looked back. She's awesome. I love her.

BACK TO THE POINT- sometimes, I get completely dressed or whatever and walk out of my room, turn around and look into the mirror and I look like I am searching for lady parts. I don't know what it is about my body type or whatever, but sometimes I'm trying to go for a plain, simple look with some Vans or something, and I turn around and it just isn't working. Like I should put my wallet in my back pocket and get a chain to hook it on with. UGH.

3. I am obsessed with flossing my teeth. One of my healthier obsessions for sure. But my aunt told me one time the importance of flossing and drove the point home with a little comparison..

"Imagine throwing raw meat into the yard and leaving it there all day. The heat of the day gets up to about 98 degrees and then at the end of the day, you go back outside and eat it. That's what your doing when you don't floss your teeth at night. You are leaving food stuck between your teeth and its at a high temperature basically rotting."

Gross huh? Now that's all I can ever think about. Get to flossin' people. Make your dentist and mental state of mind better.

4. Have you ever seen The Princess and the Frog? It is a princess movie based out of New Orleans. It is hilarious. I have to watch it for school and write a paper about the racism behind it, but if you can just enjoy the movie for what is it, its so cute. Theres a lightening bug named Raymond with the thickest Cajun accent, and it talks a lot about Louisiana culture and Voodoo and fun things from New Orleans. I suggest it.
I miss New Orleans. My dad took me on a swamp air boat tour while we were there, and the man who was the captain of said flying saucer was the sexiest alligator wrestler I have ever laid eyes on. He would jump right out of the boat and man handle the 8 foot monster 2 foot baby like it was nothin'! I would have been his swamp boat princess any day.

5. I cannot correctly hook my bra. Ever. And it drives my mom nuts. I can get 2 out of 3 of the clasps done and that does the trick. Sometimes my arms grow, or maybe I have more patience that day and I get all 3, but on any ordinary day it's usually 2/3 of the way done. Now most people would say, why won't you just do it from the front and then spin it around and correctly put on your over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder?
Because that is admitting defeat. And I'm not 12 years old in a training bra. This shouldn't be an issue for me 10 years later. So, if I can't seeeee it, then it must not be an issue. :) Sorry mumzie.

6. I live with vampires. Well, that's not fair. One shows more vampire qualities than the other. She will sleep until 4 or 5 in the afternoon sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I love to sleep. But I also like sunshine, and eating, and peeing, and getting the sleep funk off my face, and brushing my teeth. Ah, roommates. Such interesting creatures. :)

7. I have been showering without a shower curtain for about 2 weeks now. The shower rod thing fell down and I think broke, or something because it would not go up again. I tried for roughly 30 minutes and gave up because I was starting to see stars, and I quit caring. So, showering sans-curtain it was. And the way my bathroom is set up, you can see yourself from all angles because I have mirrors that face every which way. So I took this opportunity to practice my dance moves in the shower and sing along like I am in a music video. Makes showering more entertaining. Granted, this is probably a frightening scene to everyone else, but I was left to my own devices. Yesterday, I nursed a rotten hangover all day, and about 7 hours into it I decided I needed to get at least ONE thing done, so I managed to get it back up and in working fashion. Mission accomplished.