Beer goggles and bad judgement

That may be a misleading title, but just play along. It came to me because of my last attempt at dating and how horribly wrong it went.

They always say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince, but there are more toads than frogs and not a single prince has morphed out of any of my mugging down with these slimy creatures.

I had recently been dumped by a boy, (yes, they're all still boys.) and I was pretty bummed about it. He was a really nice guy, I did all that I was supposed to do according to the books. Be a sweet girl, don't call him a douche, don't call him first, you know- that list. I even took the sucker to a NFL game to which he was a major fan of the team, he met my badass parents and everything was going well until one day about a week after the game.

(All over texts messages) We were talking about how Walmart is a circus and no one should go there if they have the option of Target or elsewhere when he replied- "Yeah, haha, that place is rough. Oh, hey by the way, I dont mean this in a bad way, but I need to tell you something. I'm not looking for any commitment right now and I still want to play the field, and if you come meet up with me tonight there will be some other girls I invited out, so I don't want things to be awkward."

So all in one message he agreed with me that WallyWorld is a place for the carneys and then told me that he wants to "play the field." Bravo, you toad. You're a jerk. I was crushed for all of 39 seconds and said a lot of  "SCREW HIM"s and was over it.

So the following weekend I went out with some girlfriends of mine and met a guy who seemed pretty nice. We will call him Peter. He wasn't the regular guido gorilla juicehead I usually go for, but he could do. We exchanged numbers and talked for a few days and in those few days I discovered that he was in his late twenty's, was in the military, and seemed to be a really cool guy.

I should have known better.

A few days after the bar scene he called me and said he wanted to hang out for a bit, and was coming to pick me up in an hour. Cool, seemed all clear from here. Except for the fact that if he came to pick me up, I wouldn't have a get away car. So I asked my roommates if they would please come to my rescue if I needed it and thought he was going to murder me and bury me in the backyard. Their responses were less than friendly:

Roommate 1: "Uhh, yeah, I dunno, I've kinda had a long day and I might be too lazy to come save you from murderers."
Roommate 2: "Maybe you shouldn't go if you assume he's going to kill you. But I'll probably be asleep anyway and won't hear your call."

Jerks. Obviously they were both being sarcastic (I hope) and wished me well as I ran out the door.

Here we go.

He picked me up, I got in the car and he unbuckled his seatbelt and leaned over to give me a hug.
 A little weird, but maybe he's just a nice guy and trying to break the ice. Yeah, probably that.
 So we take off and he asks me if I like to listen to Christian music.
"Well, uh, yeah I mean, I don't listen to it, but Im not totally against it. Jesus is cool in my book." "Then listen to the words of this song, I made this CD, it's a really beautiful song."
Right, okay. Im listening. But .8 seconds later we begin talking again and I forget to listen to it, and ask him where we might be headed, since he still hadn't filled me in yet.

We end up at Walmart to pick up some school supplies for him and he tells me his roommate works at Walmart.. who we run into, of course. This guy looked like he was straight out of Locked Up. It was scary. But I was nice and we went on our way. Peter then stopped at the redbox thing and picked out a movie for us to watch, and on the way back I had to deter him from coming to my house to watch this movie because 1. My DVD player is broken and 2. I'm not parading your ass upstairs in front of my roommates.

So we end up at his house and it looks like it very well could be a meth lab, or a place where kidnapped children end up. Scary. But Peter is still being super nice, so I'm really trying to give him a chance. (Mom said I have to give nice guys a chance.) We go into Peters room and it is the creepiest room I had ever been in. Food nutrition papers thumbtacked to the walls, gold chains also hanging from thumb tacks, and just overall weird. He steps out of the room and I noticed a dry erase board on the wall that said "THINGS TO FOCUS ON" 1. THE LORD. 2. SCHOOL 3. BOXING. You really needed to write those down? You were going to forget these things?

Movie starts and I start to panic. I excuse myself to the bathroom and text my mom and one of my roommates and said something along the lines of "SOS I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! MAYDAY MAYDAY HES A CREEP!"

I feel like I need to take the time to say I was not afraid for my life or safety, but he was a weirdo.

Back to the room I go and I lay back on the bed. "Are you cold? I have a blanket." "No, I'm good, I have a longsleeve shirt, a jacket, jeans and socks on, Im good to go." "Are you sure?" -Then he just goes ahead and throws the jankey nappy blanket over me. Hombre, I said I wasn't cold. Im almost never cold. But I went with it. Whatever.

Then despite my prayers and having my fingers crossed for the first 40 minutes of the movie, Peter goes in for a smooch.

And I've never kissed a dead person, or a bird, but I think I can compare this moment to kissing both of those things.

It was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. Not to mention the bad coffee breath. People, I was dying. I finally ended that excellent time and the movie continued. He tried to plant one on me a few more times but I dodged them like a bullet. After the movie was over I sprang up and threw my jacket and shoes on and told him I was pretty sure it was getting late. So Peter stands up, gets his jacket and walks over to me and grabs me, in what seemed to be his recreation of The Notebook kiss. Except I wanted to throw up. He dramatically dropped his jacket on the ground and pulled me closer.

Have you ever tried to throw a cat into the water? Or pull gum off of your shoe? It was similar to that. I wasn't moving. Finally I actually started laughing because he was getting super weird and I was literally standing there on my heals with my hands by my side trying to give him a hint that I was seconds away from either punching him or blowing chunks.

He finally dropped me off and I jumped out of his car like I stole something. No way was I gonna go through that again. NO WAY. Ran upstairs and called my mom to unload the deets. (Details, silly)

The very next day, Peter text me and said "Did I make you a lil uncomfortable last night"

UH, Yeah, Pete. You DID make me a "lil" uncomfortable you big freak. WHO TAKES PEOPLE TO WALMART AND TO A METHLAB ON THE FIRST DATE?!?!

It goes without saying, but I never spoke to Poor Peter again, and I never bothered to respond to his message. If you're near the age of 30, and thats your A game... you need help, mijo.



And it wont be from me.