Elephants

Dear family of wild elephants that just moved in upstairs,

This is your only warning. Things will get crazy. Wanna get wild? Let's get wild. Otherwise. SHUT UP. You're making my dog bark.

A few reasons why I'll probably never be a mother.

Let me first say that I love babies. All of them. Including that bald headed baby, Truly from Sister Wives. I love them. All. I'll play with yours if you want me to, ask me anytime.


However.

After being fortunate enough to intern in a few classrooms over my college career I've discovered that these sweet little jelly roll, gummy smile babies grow up to be awkward sized, wit deficient children that are missing teeth, growing new boobs that thee moms don't want to accept so they don't buy them a bra, B.O inconsiderate jerks.


I will not babysit your tween. After about the age of 6 all children are goofy looking and highly irritating. Call me again when they aren't packing lunchables

Also, I have been watching a lot of baby birthing stories on TV (daytime television is tough) and let me tell you, childbirth is a horrendous act of love. I don't understand how we can fly to the moon, clone animals and use lazers to cut into peoples eye balls but we can it find a better way to get that 8 lb slime covered raisin out of your body. AND WHY IS EVERYONE LOOKING? Cut it out. I'll let you see when the baby is out, no midnight premiers.

Also, the whole, push the baby out then put it right in my face act? Don't think I have forgotten where that thing has been paying rent for the last 9 months. Gross.

I was surfing one of my favorite blogs, barefoot foodie, and saw this crazy thing.

Nosefrida The Snotsucker, the doctor-developed and doctor-recommended nasal aspirator is the new standard in keeping babies naturally snot free. Ingeniously simple Swedish design features a tube that is placed against the nostril (not inside). Parents use their own suction to draw mucus out of their child's nose. Disposable filters prevent any bacterial transfer. Nosefrida is easy to clean, dishwasher safe, and BPA and Phthalate free. It is superior to the bulb aspirator, presents no risk or harm to internal nasal structures and is dramatically more efficacious.

Are. You. Kidding. Me.

Now not only do I have to change you, feed you, not forget you anywhere, wake up with you, but NOW I have to get your snot out of your underdeveloped nose with MY MOUTH?


Instapuke.