This should come as no surprise that I, again have had a strange date.
But this one, I could have never been prepared for...
Against my father's wishes- I continued to stay amongst the online daters, mainly because I get flooded with messages about how great I am, but also because I am not quite in the prime dating environment in a elementary school filled with women and angry children.
I rarely reply back to any messages because 97% of them are creepy and I have a hard time coming up with something witty to reply to "Sup babe. Sweet smile" Or "Hey there"
Let me give you a few examples-
Aardvark- "This says we live right next to each other. :) Completely attracted to you"
Are you looking in my windows? You sound like you might be the reason why I sleep with all of the doors in my room shut. Also, stupid screen name.
Simpleman- "Hey there. Name is Chance. I enjoy spending time with my daughter family and friends. I enjoy going out and dancing at silver saloon. I try to make it out there every weekend and and Thursdays to red river. Im active in adult softball. I enjoy going hunting and fishing though I rarely get the time anymore. If you would like to chat some more hit me back. Have a good day"
Well, Simpleman, you didn't leave much to the imagination. I clearly don't need to ask anything about you because you just told me everything in your introduction. Also, with all of the things you "enjoy" you clearly do not enjoy using revising skills, or a thesaurus. What is a daughter family? Oh, you don't know where commas go... and as much as I'd love to spend Thursday-Sunday at a country western bar... I'd rather not be a regular there. This isn't going to work.
So you see, they usually blow it before I even have to say hello.
Bad grammar? Out
Shirtless picture? Out
Picture of random things you own? Out
Under 5'8? Out
Stupid screen name? Out
But for whatever reason, I decided to respond (a week late) to "How is your weekend going?"
Seemed normal enough. He was tall, had a degree, didn't annoy me by his profile... okay. This could be fun. He asked me for my number and we text back and forth for several hours that night.
The next day he said something along the lines of "When can I see you?" and I told him that I had plans with my best friend that night so, maybe the following week. He casually asked what our plans were then moved on in conversation.
So around 11 that night I get a text message from him and he said he is conveniently in the area.
I agree to meet him for a few drinks.
Before he can get there my phone dies, so I had to contact him on my friends phone. She was talking to him for me and relayed that I was to meet him outside because he didn't think he could get in with shorts on. (If you were "in the area" you'd think you would have been better prepared)
I go out and meet him, my friend leaves and we go inside. All seemed normal, although it was REALLY loud and I could barely talk by the time we left because I was yelling all night. I could tell maybe he was drunk, or that he had something in his mouth but nothing seemed too different. We walk out of the bar and say our goodbyes and everything was fine.
Still with me? This is when it gets weird.
Throughout the week we continue to text and he sends me random messages like--
"I guess you could tell I was hard of hearing?" --
What? No? It was loud in the bar...
"I feel sick, Id give a million bucks to be laying down and have you taking care of me lol"
"Only two more days until I get to see you. I have butterflies"
"Hey sweetheart just thought of you"
"Id love to surprise you with dinner and wine one night"
It doesnt seem too strange, I guess except for the fact that we had only met one time... for like an hour.
It was just a little intense for my liking, like we were already coming up on our year anniversary and I had been in a coma the whole time.
Friday rolls around and he tells me to meet him in Frisco at 7:30.
Seems normal enough, I can handle that.
Okay, where are we going?
....
.....
....
Let's meet at... (wait for it)
Applebee's.
I decide to give it a shot, just incase this is a test to see if I am okay with low-key things and he is secretly a millionaire.
I arrive at exactly 7:30, tell him I am there, and he meets me in the parking lot. We say hello and start to walk towards our super impressive destination and he grabs my hand.
Yep. Were now holding hands, fingers interlocked. His hands are sweaty.
Im sorry? We just met. Stop touching me.
I even tried the whole "Oh...hold on... I need to zip up my purse...with both hands."
But as soon as I was hands free.... he went in for the kill again.
We get into the generic version of Chili's and he requests to sit on the patio.
Once on the patio I realize that I am having to repeat myself several times and then I see it.
He has a hearing aid. Not necessarily terrible, whatever. He seemed to keep up with me just fine at the bar.
Until I noticed that if he wasn't looking at me. He had no idea I was talking.
(While talking about the Mavs, he is looking at his plate eating)
Dirk's beard is so gross...
...
...
You didn't hear anything I just said, did you?
He looks up, and nothing. Didn't even know I had just made this really awkward.
In this strained conversation he realizes that we are right next door to Texas Land and Cattle...
Hey, do you like that restaurant?
Yep. Sure do. (Would have been a nice alternative to this 2 for $20 were having here.)
So, do you want to go to Main Event after this?
Im sorry, did I step into a time machine and I am suddenly in 6th grade again?
No, uhh... I wish I could... but, I have to... help my friend paint her house. Yeah, I know, terrible timing, I wish I could get out of it.. I know these don't look like painting clothes... uh.
I could not get out fast enough.
The bill comes and I make a point not to look at it (in an obvious way, at least.)
He takes it, pays and signs and closes the book.
Then opens it again to SHOW me..
I'm a really good tipper.
YOU BETTER BE ON A $26 TAB!
We get up to leave, because... you know... gotta get to painting...
He again, grabs my hand. Interlocking sweaty fingers. THEN HE KISSES MY HAND.
Im sorry? We just met. Stop touching me.
We get to my car, and he lets out an "ahhh, I wish it wasn't over."
"Text me when you get home, okay sweet heart?"
and I am like....
Yeah, totes... even though I JUST TOLD YOU I AM NOT GOING HOME BECAUSE I HAVE A SUPER-IMPORTANT-CANNOT-MISS IT-NOT-EVEN-FOR-MAIN-EVENT PAINTING PARTY. KBYE.
He kisses me... like this.
Oh no. I am going to puke... or die.. I'm not sure which will come first.
I get in my car and leave immediately.
I do not respond or text for days.
"Well I guess I did something wrong"
No? I have just been busy (I felt bad)
"I sure miss you"
aaaaaand you blew it.
So I again, lose my phone, get kidnapped, move to China, go on a camping hiatus...
"What are you doing?"
"Oh yea"
"I need new boatshoes"
"90 degrees tomorrow"
"Well good night then"
"Guess you aren't going to talk to me anymore huh"
":("
"Hey?"
"Are you seriously doing this on purpose?"
Yes. Seriously on purpose.
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